São milhares, quiçá incontáveis, as linhas que devo a este diário. Simplesmente, parei de escrever. Tinha em mente, na imensa estupidez dos últimos meses, que fosse acontecer algo de bom, diferente, algo que me trouxesse ânimo suficiente para empurrar os dedos ao teclado. Parei, também, de postar fotografias. Adiei esse intento para momento posterior à minha ida à Escandinávia. Não aconteceu.

Na verdade, muitas das minhas expectativas não se concretizaram. Projectos pessoais, amores, viagens, trabalhos, e uma série de outras coisas que poderia, em rigor, escrever no plural. Cercado pelo deslumbramento do que poderia acontecer, perdi o foco sobre o que estava realmente a passar-se na minha vida. Perguntar porquê não vale a pena. A minha consciência não convoca advogados de defesa. Conheço-me bem.

Sei que já é um bocado tarde para falar do Verão, mas apetece-me fazê-lo agora. Aconteceu tanta coisa que até dava para escrever um livro, e muitas seriam as páginas. Sempre numa correria… tantas horas na estrada, ora no Alentejo, ora nos arredores de Lisboa e outras vezes para os lados de Santarém. Entre os dias de sossego passados na barragem e a euforia das noites de festa na cidade, com as moedas contadas para cerveja e tabaco, o tempo passou a correr e nem dei por isso.

E dediquei bastante tempo aos meus amigos, e ao meu coração, coisa que não fazia há muito tempo. Fui conhecendo pessoas diferentes, bonitas e interessantes, deixei-me enrolar… e tive minha paixão de Agosto. É tão bom de vez em quando sermos ingénuos, irresponsáveis, promíscuos, sentir a areia da praia debaixo do corpo e ouvir barulho do mar a arranhar o vento, cobertos pela noite no resguardo da intimidade… oh! que se lixe, essa combustão era mesmo para fazer fogo.

Just wanted to keep Malin’s heart in peace. So many times said it was forever, that love would last. I made lots of promises, to her and to myself, knowing that I just couldn’t keep them... misleading both, not accepting that my decisions would always compromise those plans and expectations. I think she knew how things where with me. But the false perspectives gave us enough comfort to enjoy at the most each second together. I left her behind and moved with my life.

And another man appeared in her life. He said to her: Where life takes me, I’ll take you along. – And that’s how it was. Malin moved from Scandinavia to Spain, to live with her boyfriend. She found a job at a restaurant, and has a flat of her own. Malin found enough determination in her heart to take the chance. I never gave her the opportunity. Move! Instead of following my heart I just kept my corporation instructions, ignoring all the damage around. And I just keep repeating the same mistakes.

Left Georgia with a smile on her face. She gave me her love, wrapped in a piece of paper, with a flower draw with a mechanical pencil. It was the morning before leaving Hanikian Hotel. Her blue virgin eyes, reflecting the Saronic Gulf, mesmerized my thoughts. I still have her in my mind... By dawn, my plain was flying over Athens. Final destination: Lisbon. Never said I was going away. Not a single word. One year later, I made a phone call to Hanikian Hotel. No one knew where she was. No number, no address… no Georgia smiling back to me. “All my Love to Alex”, she wrote.

Sometime after, during the season I lived in Scandinavia, had the chance to meet a beautiful girl that worked for the Svenska Posten. Sophia. Nothing and no one else was more important. All my thoughts were to her. The fulfilling happiness of spring just came naturally from her smile… and amazed me, and kept me locked. Simple, genuine just as beauty should be, Sophia. Told her I would stay until September… but I didn’t. Had to leave without saying goodbye, without a last look at her dark blue eyes. Without that promised strawberry ice cream. “Great you’re staying”, she said once…

so much things that i like to do and also i love so much doing nothing. i like sleeping till late, eating fast food and getting fat, restaurants and servants, expensive toys and bargains, cars, adventures and nordic blond girls, love, funny and crazy afternoons laughing with my friends, cigarettes and beer and stupidity and a vintage t-shirt saying smile ninety five!

but i have a job and responsibilities and i need to earn some money so, i can’t do all those things i like at the same time and, once and a while, i have to pretend i’m a serious person and behave. and sometimes, also, i have to be a role model and an example to my students… sometimes i’ll have to wake up to take some pictures and do some poetry and get even with the world.